So I'm Thinking About Making a Post A Day

What's new:

I'm now a vegetarian.

I'm working to dunk a basketball on a regulation sized hoop by August 6th.

I'm working and desperately trying to save money to go to Iceland or Holland or Belgium or France or all of the above next fall.

About going vegetarian:

I started on January 1st and was going to do it for the year, but I think I'm gonna keep it going for as long as possible. Maybe if I go to Iceland where vegetables and other foods besides fish and lamb are scarce, maybe then I'd be forced to change, but I'd still try not to. The fact of the matter is that I've been working towards this philosophically for a while. If I am a proponent of compassion and caring, peace and love, then I should extend that to animals as well. The current factory farm system is antithetical to all of those closely held beliefs so I'd remove myself from it. But then this raises the question if I'd eat an animal that came from a free range farm, or was killed in the wilderness. I'd still argue no, I wouldn't, because I don't need to and because it is contrary to my beliefs.

The fact of the matter is simple: killing is killing and suffering is suffering and to have to extrapolate upon that is ludicrous. We do not eat dogs for whatever reason but that was not always so. In India they do not eat cows. Is one more correct than the other? Why? Is it because of the proximity and the respect we give to these select animals? Obviously these are not universal values bestowed unto humanity by great thinking and ethical observations. So why then propagate a system of suffering? In philosophy class a few semesters ago, we talked about Nietzsche and other philosophers, Spinoza and such, and one common theme that came up was that if we follow their rational and thinking to a conclusion, it would necessitate the removal of meat from one's diet. I still ate meat, but it made me think. Why do I eat meat? Is it because it tastes good? Does it really taste good? And even if it does, should I be killing an animal because of it?

Obviously, I shouldn't. I shouldn't contribute to a market that systematically wastes food. I shouldn't partake in a market that makes no effort to feed the hungry nor should I take part in a market which is arguable the largest manmade contribution to global warming.

The point is, the more I thought about it, the more that being vegetarian makes sense. I don't want to kill just because I dominate an animal. I don't want to fund companies that profit on suffering. So that's that. I'm sure I'll talk about that more later since this was sort of rambling, but that's the gist of it.

Summer

I'm back down south for the summer, in Coral Springs. It's been mostly unexciting but I think that that's okay. I've mostly just played guitar, played some cards, and played with my little cousins. In between I may have drank some coffee, whiskey, or tea. I may have smoked cigarettes, hookah, or cannabis. But mostly I've done a lot of nothing.

I wish I was in Orlando doing nothing, though, because I have maybe two friends down here to hang out with whereas I maybe have four to five friends in the Orlando and Gainesville area to hang out with. Mathematically speaking, I would be enjoying myself more in Orlando. Realistically speaking, I'd probably be doing much of the same.

I've been sort of scared to go to sleep at night because I keep having this really awful teeth clenching/sleep paralysis thing going on. No kidding though, it's terrifying. I'll be dreaming or something, and then I'll be lucid in my dream and my dream-self with shift my jaw forward or laterally with all its force and clench down on its teeth. I can then feel my actual self do the same thing, but because I am still semi-dreaming, my body is in that awkward sleep paralysis mode and I cannot unclench my jaw.

This results in me being conscious of my jaw being clenched extremely tight and forced to one side. When this happens, I either: Wake up and do my best to ignore the dull pain, or fall back asleep and wake up wondering if I was dreaming or not. Of course, I don't know if I'm dreaming or if I'm being a stupid hypochondriac Jew making mountains outta molehills. But I think it's actually happening because I feel some sort of dull pain in my jaw and I have mild headaches that could be explained away due to this.

Aside from being scared to sleep, not a lot is new.

Kool

From now on, I want my friends to smell like mentholated cigarettes.

American Apparel Informant

Some girl is outside of the honors college in an AmAp bathing suit and drain pipe jeans wearing fingerless gloves. I find this very attractive.

Some kids seem upset by it, I think. One remarked that it's an odd thing to be wearing. I said it's American Apparel, expecting them to get that it's just whatever, but they didn't. Another kid said that he thought there was a UCF dress code and got all uppity.

This has been my day so far.

I Submitted This to my E-Class; It Was An Assignment

I had to write about if I want to go to graduate school or not. I chose not. I probably will go. I had to explain about people in my 'career field' who did not attend grad school. Then I had to make a time-line for myself. There were other questions before that but it's not relevant.


Here we go.

I do not want to attend graduate school immediately following graduation because if I do that, I know that after I graduate from there, I will have a job. And that job will lead to another job. I might meet a girl somewhere in between and we might become serious. From there we might live together and I will have to own a house or apartment. And then I will have responsibilities that I cannot walk away from. I will essentially have a family, even if I don't have kids. Maybe I won't meet a girl and I don't have to worry about this. I don't know. I do know that if I go to graduate school and graduate, I will have a long line of jobs before me and that doesn't appeal to me. I don't want to work to retire at 55 or 60. I don't want to live my life and experience all the things that I want to experience in two week vacations here and there. I want to live and feel it, know that I'm alive. I want to do it while I'm young. I want to reap the full benefits of my youth. I can't go to graduate school and sacrifice that.

I don't know someone who hasn't gone to graduate school and had a career that I want aside from various musicians and artists, but they aren't exactly congruent to my situation, I don't think. I don't know what to say about that. Maybe I won't go to graduate school if I never get started doing it immediately. Maybe that will negatively impact my future. I don't know. Lou Reed dropped out of undergrad and look at him, he's famous. He lead one of the single most influential bands in the history of music, the Velvet Underground. He is married to an equally famous artist, Laurie Anderson. He has millions of dollars and the undying adoration of people across the globe. Maybe my travel experiences will imbue me with a true artist's spirit and I won't feel the need to go to law school. Maybe I can find a small job to keep me fed and sheltered while I write or form a band. And then maybe I could publish my writings and achieve a modicum of fame within a 'scene'. Maybe my band will release a record which will be favourably received by Pitchfork Media and the Wire and other music critics. I'd prefer to be well received by the Wire but Pitchfork's endorsement would make us famous. I might need the fame at that point in my life because if that doesn't work, I'd be stuck working a dead end job. But maybe it'd be nice to be a florist in a small city. That would be very fulfilling. Maybe I want to be a full-time florist.

After I graduate, I'm going to get a job; it doesn't matter where. I will save a few thousand dollars; that would be ideal. This should take maybe half a year. If I graduate in June, go home and start working in August (home would be to my mother's house, wherever she lives at that point in time. This makes everything cheap and easy), I will have the money by spring time. I could probably work a little bit more to have extra money. In August, of that year, after one year of working, I will travel to Europe. I will go to England and Ireland and enjoy myself. I will go to Rome and Belgium and enjoy myself. I will go to France, Paris, and enjoy myself. I will be a happy person living in these cities and countries as a part time tourist/part time citizen. I will maybe work in the cities if I like it enough. Maybe I will stay longer than a few weeks in the cities. Maybe I will live there for a year. At the end, if there is an end, I will go to Iceland. I figure on this being the end of a year of traveling. I will enjoy Iceland. I will maybe work in Iceland. Maybe I will never leave Iceland. This would be nice to never leave Iceland. I hear it's very nice there. It'd be nice to live somewhere very nice like Iceland. I could make it there, in the land of snow and volcanoes, in Iceland. I could blend in, be a barista or a waiter, a record store clerk or a florist; it'd be nice to be a florist. Maybe I'd just spend some time there and not work there. Maybe it will be a genuine vacation. If that's what happens, I'll stay until my money runs out. I will frequent the bars and music venues. I will shop in thrift stores and eat in little places run by little Icelandic people because I don't belive that McDonalds' exists in Iceland. If it does, that will make me sad. But when my money runs out, I will come home and I will sleep for a little bit. Maybe a long bit. I don't know. If I come home, it will be in November. I'd have traveled for a little over a year. I'd look different; I'd be different; people will recognize me but remark "There's something different about you now" in a very kind way. I will laugh. This probably won't happen, the people remarking that. Most of my friends will be in grad school. Maybe I will visit them if enough are in the same area. I will definitely visit a couple. They will definitely make a remark like that to me. I will end my vacation and apply for grad school. I don't know when applications are due for law school, but I will probably attend the fall semester in the following year. I will work until then. And hopefully I'll be happy in law school. The end.

before i go to sleep, i think

I want to be innocent and comfortable again.

Going to school scares me.
Going downtown scares me.
Going to work scares me.
Cashing my check scares me.
Coming home and doing my laundry scares me.
Having a girlfriend scares me.
Having sex scares me.
Breaking up with a girlfriend scares me.
Getting drunk scares me.
Doing drugs scares me.

And in the moment, everything is okay. But if I lay down and detach my thoughts from my body, I find myself completely and utterly terrified. Not overwhelmed. Terrified. I want to be safe and snug. All of this will pass in a couple years when it becomes routine, maybe. And then I'll be gripped by the fear of career and retirement and 401(k)s and pension plan. But right now. Right now.

Right now, I wonder what Kierkegaard would say, or Dostoevsky, or Camus. I wonder what Bukowski, what Faulkner, what Steinbeck, with their infinite wisdom and finesse, what they would tell me.

Chatterton is dead and never had to face these problems. He would tell me nothing.